Discussing Panic Disorder

Morning Heathens! I only say that cause it’s like 7 a.m. and I’m wide awake (at least, that’s when I’m starting this). I feel kind of better, although admittedly the medicine I’m on is making me have some really crazy dreams. I’m not sure how much energy I have but I think I have enough to actually work on this. Although, this is mostly because I want to work on this.

So the other day, a good friend of mine asked me to explain more about panic attacks and anxiety. He told me his new girlfriend had these episodes but he wasn’t exactly sure what to do for them and he didn’t want to ask her about it. I gave him a brief run down of what I go through, then I tried to find him some articles or something helpful but I never really found anything I liked.

It’s not that they’re bad articles, it’s just that they don’t really tell you what’s going on in the person’s head and I don’t get how someone can actually help if there isn’t something somewhere saying “this is what they’re probably thinking.”

I’m not saying everyone thinks the same as me though by writing about this. I’m just trying to be helpful to others who suffer like I do and be helpful to the ones that love us and have to watch us suffer. I know openly admitting some of this stuff is probably going to make me sound co-dependent and weak as hell. Maybe that’s why people don’t really write about it. Whatever the reason, if you can’t deal with me being open and sharing my experiences then please stop reading now. If you genuinely want to get a sneak peek inside someone’s mind in regards to this stuff, then hopefully you’ll get what you came for.

I never really understood what was going on with me when I had my first couple panic attacks. It was maybe junior year of high school and it was getting significantly worse. At the time I had a friend that liked to do that self-diagnosing stuff. I told her what I was feeling and she was like “sounds like panic attacks.” I Googled and did my own research, and all the symptoms where there in a nut shell but I never told people what I thought was happening. I didn’t want meds, and I still don’t want meds. My reasoning for this was because after doing the research, and finally getting up the nerve to talk to my mom about it, I discovered she was taking a pill that she called her “nerve tablet.” It was basically supposed to help calm down people like me who couldn’t deal with stuff. One day stuff got really bad and she had me take one (bad idea, I know, but I was 17 and scared). Well, I decided I didn’t like it because it turned everything off. And I mean everything. I was numb, and I said stuff without thinking and I thought to myself “geez, I could really hurt someone on this stuff.”

When I was a Junior, it felt mild most of the time. This was during a time I was struggling in school; I was losing friends and worried about college. I was also really worried about getting old. I would be in a store and it would start off really simple. I would notice that I was surrounded by old people and start to freak out. My heart rate would increase, I would feel dizzy, and anxiety would overwhelm me. I would find myself detached from the rest of my surroundings while staring at an elderly person and I would just think “Oh shit. That’s gonna be me. I’m gonna die like that. I’m gonna look like that” and the main fear was that this was going to hit me sooner rather than later. I knew I was 17, but it felt like I was going to blink and turn into that.

This went on for a long time without me ever really telling people what was going on. And it’s bad because no one ever really thinks something is wrong with you. When you’re walking around in public and carrying on about as usual, people just kind of look at you and they probably think “Oh, well they look like a deer caught in the headlights” but no one really asks you what’s wrong. I would go with my grandpa to get groceries every week when this was carrying on and he never noticed that I was mentally freaking out. But I guess that’s really the whole point in a way. It’s an inward battle. The person who feels it knows it’s going on. Whether or not you know what’s going on depends on how far it escalates.

For example, the first time I had one with my whole family around was about senior year. We went to some small concert downtown and I thought I could handle it. I wanted to handle it. I love music, and festivals are always fun, and I really needed a break from Senior exams. I’m already a paranoid person though when it comes to public outings so when I saw someone I didn’t care for while there, my senses were heightened. I wanted to avoid confrontation so I went out of my way to scan the crowds and dodge them.

I think anyone who has panic attacks honestly can’t deal with conflict well. You know how Cas acts on Supernatural when his brain is basically turned to mush because Lucifer is in his head? And the scene where Dean is going to argue with him and he’s just like “I don’t like conflict” and poofs into thin air. That’s basically us in a nutshell. We’re runners, we bolt at the first sign of an altercation simply because we don’t want to deal with it triggering an attack.

So there I was, doing my best to avoid this person and enjoy myself. I was okay for a while until it got time for the show to start. Suddenly there were fireworks and people pushing me around in the crowd and screaming and that’s when it started. The band started to play and I couldn’t even make out what they were saying. It all just blurred, and the faces in the crowd blurred, and I felt like I was going to black out. Eventually I made my way over to a grassy area and stood apart from everything yet that didn’t help me. Something was still wrong. My heart wouldn’t stop racing, I was hyperventilating, on the verge of tears because I was scared but I wasn’t even sure what I was scared of. My aunts had been the ones to take me to the show, so I started begging one of them to take me home. They asked what was wrong and all I could say was “I don’t feel good.”

Now I’m not sure how typical this response is for other people, but it’s pretty typical for me. If someone asks me if I’m okay and I answer with that then they ask what’s wrong and I say something like “I don’t know, I’m not sure, I just don’t feel like myself” etc. chances are, I’m probably about to have an attack. It’s just this thing that I can’t really control and it always starts off with me not feeling so good. I’ll feel lightheaded or out of touch with my surroundings or my stomach will feel all knotted and twisted.

Yet, my family didn’t know this was my typical response, and at the time I didn’t know either. My family still doesn’t really get that it’s my typical response but I have close friends who understand better now. At any rate, when I told my aunt I wanted her to take me home, she actually got mad and accused me of being a “drama queen.”

Let me pause here to be very, very clear. DON’T EVER SAY THIS, EVER. NEVER, EVER, EVER.

We know that we’re freaking out; we don’t know why we’re freaking out. Yeah we feel like we’re being over dramatic, but for some God awful reason, something inside us is begging us to go before something bad overtakes us and swallows us whole. If you’re with someone like this and they ask if they can leave, please just be understanding and let them leave. Sometimes we can walk away from the situation for about half an hour, come back, and be fine. But if you make us stay, it’s not going to end well.

However, if you call us a “drama queen” or saying we’re being “overdramatic,” tell us to “suck it up,” or insist “it’s almost over,” then chances are we’re never going to trust you enough to tell you something’s wrong again. To this day I can’t go somewhere with my aunts and be like “okay, I’m having an episode, I need a breather.” I’m not sure about everyone else with panic attacks, but I know I’m one of those people who will legit suffer in silence. I won’t tell you something’s wrong at the risk of “being a bother” or “nag.” It’s honestly really worse for me if it’s at a place that means a lot to the person. I may not feel like I can deal with it, but because it’s important to them that I be that for whatever reason, I’ll keep my mouth shut despite the raging little monster in my head insisting that I need to get out.

This went on for the next few years in regards to my family. We’d go somewhere, I’d start feeling borderline claustrophobic or agoraphobic, yet I’d keep my mouth shut because I had agreed to go and I knew the risks. In my head, it would be punishing them for foolishly thinking I could handle myself.

Then the day came that I had the worst panic attack ever. My mom and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. Here lately we’re a lot better but there was one point where it was really bad. I felt like I couldn’t talk to her about the stuff going on in my life. I actually felt like I had no one I could talk to about the stuff going on. I had isolated myself and spent so much time locked away in my room that I didn’t know how to function properly anymore. I felt like some broken down machine someone had tossed into an empty room and just left there to gather dust. Like most things that go on ignored and neglected, it eventually came to a head and we got in this really huge fight. It was a fight so bad that I was actually going to pack up and leave when it hit me that I had nowhere to go.

That’s when it hit me. It was a wave that crashed into me. I was in the kitchen, grabbing a garbage bag to put my shit in when out of nowhere it came. And she didn’t even know what was wrong with me. She knew we were arguing; she was aware that both parties were hurt, but she had no clue about the monster in my head. And that’s legit what it feels like for me; some god awful little monster that likes to torment me.

Next thing I know, I’m sitting in front of the fridge crying and I can’t stop. Or breathe either. It felt like I was drowning, like I was suffocating and I couldn’t control it. The worst part was, my aunts and cousins were at the house too so they had no clue what was going on and in my fit of hysteria I couldn’t even tell them what was wrong. I wanted to bolt, to run, to disappear. And for the first time ever since really having one of these things, I had the strongest urge to die. I wanted to die. It just hurt that bad. I was shaking, I couldn’t say anything other than “I can’t do this anymore” over and over, my chest felt like someone had taken a hammer and whacked it a few hundred times, I didn’t want to move, I couldn’t look people in the eye. They offered me water, but I refused. I felt extremely cold, as if I was suddenly dropped in the middle of Alaska without a jacket. My hands were numb, for whatever reason. I remember I kept trying to pop my knuckles but everything just felt so weird. This went on for almost an hour before I finally calmed down.

But those are just the physical effects, the stuff the people around us can see. Internally it’s different. There’s a war, and we’re trying to fight it. God help me, I try to fight it, or ignore it, or brush it off. Yesterday I saw this quote and it said, “don’t trust the things your heart tells you when it’s sad.” I kept looking at it then decided that if it was mine and I could claim it, I would have changed it to “don’t trust the things your mind tells you when your heart is sad.”

For me, that’s the core of my battles. It’s between my head and my heart. So while my family saw me freaking out and thought I just needed to calm down, my mind decided it needed to run rampant. I was sad because of the fight, I was unhappy because of everything going on. I think as a species, our minds are kind of cruel. I can’t say everybody’s is, but I know mine is because that’s when it kicked it.

“You should just die, they’re better off without you, they don’t want you around anyway, they never wanted you anyway, they’re stuck with you, they don’t really care that you’re suffering right now, they think you’re crazy, you know that right? This is all your fault anyways. They don’t love you, in fact nobody does.”

Imagine that right there. So while you have some unknown force hammering away at your chest, you also have your mind playing tricks on your heart and telling you all this really horrible stuff. It’s not something I do on purpose either. It just comes out of some deep, dark crevasse in my mind where it likes to stay hidden. Then during a panic attack that’s really bad, that involves conflict with another person, it likes to come out. It lies and tries to tell me it’s version of what the people around me are thinking. And like a dummy that’s in a moment of weakness, I believe the damn thing.

Again though, this could be different for everyone. Some people may not even have an evil little voice in their head insisting all this stuff. Some people could just go completely blank and not be able to think at all, just stare off into the distance and hope they snap out of it. Whatever they’re experiencing, don’t make them feel like they’re crazy. That’s really the worst thing you can do. We understand something is wrong with us and just because we can’t explain it right and you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s any less real to us.

It’s a lot to take in. Not everyone knows how to handle being with someone like this. My friend described himself as feeling “useless” but in all honesty I admire him for wanting to know more about it. Not every person is willing to learn, or put up with someone like this. I feel like his girlfriend is pretty damn lucky cause this dude is about my age and he could move on to easier conquests yet he’s trying to do the adult thing and find a way to help her out. In all honesty, I can’t really see someone putting up with me like this at times. Although, I’ve been surprised. My closest friends, we’ll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 for the sake of keeping everything professional, have been doing pretty well and trying to understand me. (Thing 1, I’ve known longest, Thing 2 is the one still in training).

Whether or not people who have panic attacks are more prone to be scared of relationships though, I can’t honestly say. Though it is important to note that people who often feel lonely are more likely to have panic attacks. This feeling is something I’ve struggled with for a large portion of my life. There were times when I just felt completely misunderstood and periods where I felt like I didn’t matter to anyone. It was actually considerably worse when I would find people who I thought I meant a lot to and then they would suddenly flip on me. This is honestly the reason why I now have issues with relationships. I’ve had so many people suddenly change up on me in the blink of an eye that sometime I feel like I’m actually waiting for it to happen again. It takes awhile to go away. Thing 1 has been my best friend for over a year and a half now and it took a few months before I felt like he wasn’t going to abandon me.

It also honestly doesn’t help that my first attempt at a relationship anything was really rocky and for a long time I felt like I was inside my own personal hell. I won’t go into a lot of the gory details, and I’m certainly not going to bash anybody. It was a learning experience to say the least. Although admittedly it makes me pessimistic to a degree about future endeavors. It works the same way as panic attacks do to a degree. Most people, if they have a panic attack in a certain place, then they start to expect an attack whenever they go there and it makes them all the more anxious. Now imagine having a relationship that feels like a never-ending panic attack. If you’re trying to go back into another one, you’re probably going to be terrified of history repeating itself.

Now I don’t know if everyone with panic disorder does this, but I notice everything. And I legit mean everything. If a person stops talking to me as much as they use to, I notice. If they’ve suddenly got a different attitude toward me, I notice. I notice the little things they do, and I notice when they suddenly stop. If you give me a nickname and if I decide I like it and get attached to it, then you suddenly take it away, I’ll notice. I notice every change, good or bad, and I’m the type of person where I won’t say anything right away. Especially if it bothers me. In the beginning, I’ll try to come up with excuses, reasons for the change. I’ll downplay it and act like it’s whatever but sooner or later it gets to me and then when I actually try to talk to the person about it, it comes out way worse than it probably should. Of course, this could just be because of how the last person handled these situations and me. Whenever I brought it up, they would describe whatever I was missing or wanted back as a perk of the cupcake phase. Then they’d insist this phase was over and yada yada.

Needless to say, it’s made me wary. If things start off really great with all sunshines and rainbows and butterflies, the back of my mind is always wondering when it’s going to rain. Or even worse, when this stuff I really loved was going to be taken away from me. Sometimes I would dwell on it too much and it would send me into a frenzy and I’d have a small panic attack. It wouldn’t be so bad that it would make me shut down completely, but I would just stare blankly at the wall trying to breathe and wonder how in the name of all that was holy it had got to such a bad point. Then I’d criticize myself for thinking I needed this “cupcake phase” stuff, and insist that he was right and I was obviously the one with a problem. Our worst argument sometimes was actually over a damn nickname like I just mentioned before. He called me something, I liked it, he stopped, and I suddenly wondered what I did wrong for him to take it away. But like the little champ I tried to be, I’d ignore it, and then end up just bringing it up at a really random time that was never good for either of us.

In all honestly, if it were to happen again, I’d probably make the same mistake. That’s kind of the truly sad part. I’d rationalize it, I’d settle, I wouldn’t bring it up until I was on the verge of self-destruction. And it’s not that I’d do it that way because of my past. It would just be something I’d rationalize as the person has gotten tired of putting up with me, of entertaining that side of me. I’m terrified of being in another relationship that has this phase and then it suddenly ups and disappears. But even if it did, I wouldn’t want to bother whomever I’m with about it. I mean yeah, it would matter to me, but it obviously doesn’t matter to them if they stopped so what’s the point? I would treat the situation like I treat my panic attacks. I’d suffer in silence. I’m not saying everyone with panic disorder acts this way, but I know I’m the type of person where I don’t really want to burden other people with what’s going on. So if I can deal with the attack alone, I’ll do it. And if I can deal with these thoughts alone, I’ll do it.

Just like I notice everything though, if you’re going to be with someone with this type of thing, you need to be able to notice everything too. You have to learn to read the room and read your partner. Not everything is going to be obvious, but eventually you’ll get the hang of it. You don’t need to know all their triggers at once, but the fact that you care enough to learn them is going to mean the world to us.

One of the things I do when I’m not feeling it is I’ll want a hug. Now Thing 1 lives miles and miles away from me, but he knows if I message him randomly saying “-hugs-,” then that’s his cue that something is up. It’s my secret way of reaching out. I’ve done this with other people over the years, but he’s the only one that ever connected the dots. Thing 2 might have connected the dots, but I can’t say. Like I said, he’s still in training. Thing 2 does get props though for learning my facial expressions. There’s been a few times when I’ve stared off randomly and my demeanor changed and he was able to sense it and ask what was wrong. Tone is an indicator for me as well, and whether or not I’m being talkative. I can talk up a storm but when an attack hits, I can’t really think of what to say. It’s like my brain stops functioning and forming words for the outside world and starts focusing on saying stuff to me internally.

Anything can really trigger it. A memory, a sound, a weird feeling we get. If you’re with us, you’re not going to be able to protect us from the world. You can’t pity us and then try to put us in some plastic bubble. If we want to make an attempt at going somewhere we’re scared could trigger the attack, then let us go. Don’t baby us, just be there for us and comfort us. Of course, whoever you’re with could be the type of person that just rather be alone. If that’s the case, then just let them have their space. But, and this is just my opinion, I wouldn’t leave them completely alone. Make an effort to check in on them so that they know that if they need you they can count on you. Me personally, I don’t really like being left alone to my own devices. I rather have a hug, and for some really odd and unexplainable reason, the sound of another person’s heartbeat can silence everything going wrong for me. It’s just kind of nice to hear a normal heart when your own is acting out of control.

Now this article I saw, it mentioned being able to read the room if you’re with someone that has panic and anxiety issues. That one I agree with of course, but some of them I don’t really think are fair. The article kind of makes it seem like being with the person is more of a job and that’s the last thing I would want anyone to feel if they’re with me. Again, I can’t speak for everyone with panic disorder, but I know I sure as hell don’t want to feel like your burden, or your hassle. And the moment I feel that way, I’m going to withdraw from you completely. It’s bad enough that I have to deal with this, but if you feel like I’m making your life worse and forcing you to deal with it, then I’m not going to share stuff with you in regards to it. Which is honestly really sad because like I just said, I don’t like being left alone to my own devices. It’s scary.

At any rate, a link to the article is here, so you can see it for yourself. Number 7 says the people tend to be really manic and overwhelming. I kind of have issues with this because I know I’m overwhelming but I don’t mean to be overwhelming. The info under it says it’s not easy living with an anxiety stricken person and describes it as “exhausting.” Again, it’s making it sound like a chore. I may be biased but if you feel this way about the person you’re with, I don’t think you’re right for them. I mean, eventually you’re just going to get sick of their “bullshit” and feel like they’re holding you back from having a peaceful life, and that’s just going to lead to resentment. But like I keep saying, this is just my opinion.

I want to take a moment to expand on this though. They call it overwhelming here and while I agree, it’s not all bad. At least, when it comes to me it isn’t. I can’t say other people with panic disorder are like this, but if I’m in a relationship with someone, I want to be all in. That being said, I only know 2 extremes. I’m either all in, or I’m completely numb to whether or not I want to keep you around. If I’m all in, I’m probably going to be clingy, and down right annoying, and I’ll notice changes if you stop doing stuff you used to. But being this way with you isn’t all bad. I’m more likely to tell you that it bothers me if I’m all in verses if I’m numb. But if I’m numb, I’m not attached to you and you’re not going to get all of me. The issue is, not everyone can deal with clingy. So while it may be cute in the beginning, the moment you act differently toward it, I’m more likely to back off and consider going back to being numb. I don’t know how to be in between. I try to find a way to be what people want, but it’s really hard. Either you get all of me, or you only get one piece and that’s it. Thing 1 right now gets all of me. I tag him in random shit all the time, even when he’s sleeping. Hell if I really need him I’ll even call him at 3 a.m. just because I know I can and he’s not annoyed by me. With Thing 2 on the other hand, he gets all of me, but not like Thing 1. Sometimes I tag him in stuff, but a lot of times I just end up saving the pictures and consider showing them to him later but I never do. This isn’t because I’m detached from him though. I’m just not sure he can handle me like Thing 1 can. Plus some of the stuff is down right cheesy and like I said, not everyone can deal with someone being that extreme.

I think the reason I’m like this, is because the panic attacks feel really intense, and everything else for me feels really intense. And if it doesn’t feel intense, then I’m usually indifferent to it. For example, driving fast is an adrenaline rush for me; it’s like a little high. So is listening to music really loud and getting goose bumps from it. I can feel everything in that moment. Then the second the moment is over, I’m back to normal mode where I spend most of the day feeling like a robot. If you’re someone I hold close to me, I rather you be a high for me. I want to laugh with you till my sides hurt, and all that other fun stuff and then if I’m feeling bad, I want to feel your comfort. And the only way I’m going to feel your comfort is if I’m all in. But if you’re someone I’m indifferent to, you’re not going to be able to help me.

All in all, if you’re with someone like this and they’re clingy or sometimes even down right annoying, be gentle. If you like it or can handle it then that’s awesome. If you can’t, then be careful when approaching the subject. Don’t make them think that everything they do annoys you. And don’t let them walk away from the conversation thinking that they mean any less to you. That was always my biggest issue in my last situation. There were a lot of times when I heard “stop, that’s annoying” and because no clarification was made, I shut down and stopped acting like myself because it didn’t compute that it was whatever action I was doing that was annoying. My brain just automatically convinced me that it was me in general that was annoying so I stopped acting like myself until eventually I couldn’t even remember who I was anymore.

Number 11 in the article brings up a good thing as well to point out. It discusses how you can’t talk the person out of a freak out. I agree with this sentiment and how you shouldn’t accuse them of being dramatic. But it says that no amount of saying “everything is okay” and “calm down” is going to make it stop. I just want to pause here to warn people. Saying “calm down” can potentially get you in trouble. Everyone responds to this phrase differently. Some people get really angry and agitated, so I’d advise using it with caution. Thing 2 likes to use it on me though, and while like the article says, it doesn’t make it go away, it does help me realize that I’m freaking out and so I try to check myself and do a breather before carrying on with the conversation or addressing what has me freaking out. It kind of snaps me out of it to a degree, but not entirely.

Then the next one, 12, says you need to be available 24/7. While this one is a nice sentiment, I feel like it makes it sound more like a job again. Imagine being a doctor that’s always on emergency call. It’s saying that’s what you essentially are to this person. I feel the need to point out here that while you may think this is unreasonable, it’s really a badge of honor. I’m not a very open person when it comes to sharing my dark inner thoughts, especially when the monster in my head is being such a damn pessimist. It likes to creep in at night a lot, and sometimes I have trouble sleeping as a result. Despite this though, I refuse to wake up Thing 1 or Thing 2, so if it ever got so bad that I did wake them up, they’d know that it’s pretty serious. If someone with panic disorder actually calls you at 3 or 4 in the morning seeking your comfort, even though it sucks that you’re going to be woken up, you should feel pretty special because you’re the person they’re trusting to help take care of them in their darkest moment.

15 says that you want to give advice but you have to just listen. I want to just kind of counter this one and say that I agree the whole listening thing is important, but if you feel like you have really helpful advice, I think it should be noted. I’m the type of person where I like when you’re listening to what’s going on and stuff, but I like feedback. It helps me know I’m not boring you with my troubles. I kind of hate the standard “I’m sorry.” You have nothing to be sorry for, it’s not your fault, so please don’t go in this direction. But if you have an idea on something that could cheer me up, I’m honestly all ears. Plus, and I hate to say it, but if you’re the reason we’re having a panic attack, then let us speak our peace and then if you find something you can refute please do. When I had my really big panic attack in front of my family, I wanted to tell them what my brain was thinking, how it was being awful and saying that they didn’t love me or want me, but I didn’t say anything because I was terrified of speaking it and finding out it was someone true. So we if we get the courage to tell you something like “hey, I’m worried you’re sick of me” or “I feel like you’re gonna get tired of me and move on,” and if you know in your heart of hearts this is far from the truth, please do your best to reassure us. And again, if we work up the courage to tell you, please don’t get mad at us when we find out it’s about you. Chances are we’ve just noticed a change in something, or we’re overthinking the future and scared ourselves.

The other things on the list in the article I’m not going to address. They seem more or less accurate. Although 18 is one my brain doesn’t quite compute. I’m not the type of panicky person where you need to make the plans, but I like to be involved in making the plans because then I feel like I’m doing right by all parties involved. 19 is admittedly my favorite though. I’m the time of person where I’m extremely grateful. Hell just last night I told Thing 2 thank you for skyping with me and entertaining me despite the fact that I was coughing my lungs out. If I feel like you’re willing to put up with me, it means the world to me. Thing 2 also gets extra points here for giving me a journal to keep. Sometimes if I’m too overwhelmed I can write in it in an effort to get it all out and I’ll feel better afterwards. Any way to get it out of our heads or distract us is going to go over pretty well. Or just kind simple gestures like the article suggests, such as getting us a cup of tea. I believe what it says when “they never take you for granted” cause I know I sure as hell don’t. My friend who requested this information already gets brownie points for buying his girl those stress coloring books. I still want one myself, but can’t find any in town. At any rate, just remember little stuff like that will go a long way with us. It’s really nice if you make something for us and give it to us and are just kind of like “here use this or look at this or play with this or whatever when you’re stressed.” If we can’t get a hold of you, at least we’ll have a part of you to comfort us till you can call us back. If we’re out in public and we freak out, just insist on going for a walk or going and sitting somewhere quiet to give us a chance to calm down. If it’s an at home thing, suggest doing something that can keep our minds busy after we’ve calmed down, or just watching something funny. I’m the type of person that really likes craft projects but it just depends on your partner. Everyone is different. Just try to cheer them up with something you know they like.

Of course, if you ever get the point where you can’t do it anymore with the person you’re with and you go to break up with them, keep in mind that they could have a panic attack during the break up. And if they do have one, don’t accuse them of having it to make you feel guilty or something like that. And don’t take them back because you feel sorry for them either. Just go ahead and get the break up over with.

To anyone that’s reading this, I hope you find it helpful. For more information on panic attacks you can go here. If you have panic attacks yourself and want to share your experiences, feel free to comment. Also share if you have any ideas on how to be more helpful toward your partner. The goal here is to just raise awareness and be mindful of the people who suffer with this. Thanks for reading and I’m going to end with a few picture quotes and a song that’s linked here. It’s Lullaby by Nickelback and it’s my favorite stress song.

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We’re Moving On Up?

Hey Heathens soooo I thought I was gonna have some “ohmygsoh look at me” type news today but eh. The powers that be and all that are up to some twists of fate. Anyways, I just want to be nice and stuff since you’re all fellow bloggers too and stuff and I would hate for you guys to get suckered so here we go.

Yesterday I got this thing in the mail yesterday right? It was from the National Association of Professional Women. The letter is congratulating me on my hard work on the site and making me all warm and fuzzy saying I can go online and have a free 2015 membership. I was all happy and go-lucky thinking “hey, I’m finally getting noticed!” Then it kind of dawned on me that the way it was worded made it sound like I myself had applied for it which of course I didn’t. Then I thought about it more and was like: how did you guys even get my address???

I told a few close friends about it until finally one said it sounded fishy. Did some research and ha wouldn’t you know it? He was right. This woman told her story and she went even further than I did, to the point where she almost gave them about $700 bucks. I’m not sure if any other bloggers here at WordPress have been contacted by them or not so I figured I’d share with you guys as a warning. Stay safe and avoid scams guys. We work too hard on this stuff to give it up without a fight.

Blah Blah Blah: A Rant on Human Interaction

So, I’ve wanted to work on this piece for a while but like with most hot topic issues, it never wants to come out of my head quite right. Maybe its because I’m literally a noob, or maybe its because I really have no clue what I’m doing in regards to this topic. Maybe I’m too idealistic, maybe I’m too pessimistic to an extent, or maybe, just maybe, something’s wrong with me in regards to this aspect. See, I can’t really understand how other people do it. I have friends who insist it will get better, mentors encouraging me its all part of learning, and others just writing it off as human nature. All I know is it’s annoying to me beyond belief.

It started off simple, a night with my cousin and her showing me her kik and MeetMe thing. Her young eyes bright with encouragement thinking that maybe these two things somehow held the keys to some greater issues going on in my life. I’m a naturally curious person, so I looked through her phone. Not her kik because I already distrusted that, but her MeetMe because I was out of the loop and had never heard of it before.

I was immediately disappointed.

The thing with me is, I’m 21. So right now, I’m at a crossroads, the line between “I’m young, I can get away with wasting my time” and “I’m just really too old for this shit.” And no, I’m not going to start blogging about the trails and errors of dating or something like that because that’s not who I am. But what I want to rant about right now is the fact that we live in this society that’s just all about instant gratification and that doesn’t fly well with my Libra balance scales and me.

Here’s my issue with it, with pretty much everything here lately; I feel empty or numb like 85% of the time in regards to personal interactions. I’m not being challenged and I can’t function on meaningless conversations; it’s just not done. And it’s really saddening to think this is what actual human interaction has become. I already have this huge fear of commitment and this is just making it worse for someone like me.

See, I had this friend awhile back send me this link in regards to how human interaction is these days and I couldn’t help but find myself being more than a little frightened by it. The video talks about how technology in a way has made us more selfish even though it’s supposed to connect us. Hell, I even feel selfish just ranting about this because when you get right down to it, that’s not totally what you guys are here for. You’re here to read short poems and stories, give me a like, and then be on your way. But my work has been a little lacking lately and I feel like this stuff is the reason why; because I haven’t gotten it off my chest.

I won’t bore you the details of the video, if you want you can watch it here. But it points out how we measure self worth by how many likes we have, or followers. Ever since I started this blog, I have to admit that my brain set has been focused on this. Days that I see low number visits, I wonder if there’s something I’m doing wrong. On days when I see none at all, I want to roll into a ball and just vanish. Then there is now this newfound mounted pressure to actually write something because well, isn’t that what you’re here for?

And I see it on social media all the time too. I love my cousin but she’s my best example. She’s always after more followers, more likes. She uses apps to boost herself and get herself noticed. The latest trend is always on her page. Starbucks pictures, countless selfies, lip-syncing videos; its all there.

When she let me go through her MeetMe, some of the guys were just as bad. Some inboxed her asking what she would rate them. Others rated her. But what’s the point? It’s just a number, isn’t it? Maybe I can’t wrap my tiny, inexperienced brain around it, or may be I’m just wired differently. Whatever it is, I can’t base my own attraction or self worth, or anyone else’s for that matter, on a number. Anyone who asks for a rate, I just feel like they’re insecure to some degree and at the end of the day that just makes me sad because the truth is, those people are special in their own way. They just haven’t been around the right people to help them figure it out.

Then of course, you had the opposite end of the color spectrum. The ones that began with the “Yo, you’re going to come chill with me tonight” or something of that nature. One guy had started a Truth or Dare game without saying hey, another had asked if she wanted a sugar daddy (again, without saying hey), and another had called her beautiful then asked to ask a question. When she said sure, he asked if he could use her pics to relieve himself.

So this is what people have to look forward to when they date?

Maybe this is just the wrong dating site entirely, but from my understanding, other sites really aren’t all that different. Or perhaps maybe I just don’t have enough experience actually dating to get/understand all this. I know it’s not supposed to be like this by a long shot. But I’ve yet to see people prove that it goes the opposite way entirely. I’ve only seen it in movies so………what else am I supposed to believe?

Personally, at the moment I have no reason to date so it’s like “why do you care?” I have the blog to focus on, an upcoming job opportunity that I’m more than thrilled about because I feel like I’ll actually be making a bigger impact, school projects to do, etc. But I care because I know this isn’t just my cousin. There are probably countless other people going through the same stuff thinking “For the love of God, why is it so hard to do this?”

It’s literally like this giant social experiment gone wrong. Please don’t get me wrong though; I’m not knocking dating sites, or even dating. I’m expressing the fact that I really, truly don’t understand 95% of the people on those sites who try to use it as a booty call or the 75% of the population who’s idea of a date is going to a bar, getting drunk, going home together then never speaking again. Maybe other people are just conditioned to deal with it better than I am, but I don’t have a tolerance for it.

For those of you have kept up with me so far, good job because I’m not even sure if I’m keeping up with me. To those of you thinking, this girl is off her rocker, I apologize. For anyone thinking I don’t have a clue in regards to what I’m talking about, well I think it’s time for a short story.

In high school, I sucked at anything remotely requiring socialization. I also wasn’t very good at flirting and letting the guys that I liked know it. Fast forward senior year, I have a guy one day in science class who sat behind me tap me on the back and proceed to tell me that he missed some notes and he asks for my number to get the notes from me. I’m clueless and I give him the number. I don’t think anything of it because this guy is a jock. There’s a social order here; I was aware of it and I knew that him and I didn’t belong in the same pack. So it’s whatever right? Wrong.

By the time I get home, I already have a text from him. The phone vibrates and I look at it funny thinking “geez, he really wants those notes.” Instead he’s telling me that he asked for my number for a different reason. The reason? My bra strap was showing in class. Apparently this is scandalous. I don’t know if some people just expect boobs to stay up on their own or if they just expect every girl ever to not show their bra strap because its “unladylike” but I don’t have a problem putting a bra on then putting an off the shoulder shirt over it. Again, its whatever to me but in this case I was wrong.

I just tell him “Yeah, I knew, and I didn’t care.” The guy then goes on to tell me that I’m the reason he didn’t get his notes; that I distracted him. For all you people who hate the code of conduct against girls in school, can I get an AMEN?! Because stuff like this teaches girls that they should feel ashamed of what they wear, that if they wear skirts or something like that, they’re just asking to be harassed when the real issue is that guys aren’t taught to respect the fact that its our bodies and we aren’t sexual objects. Anyway, I digress.

Being the outspoken, upfront person I am in regards to what I put on my body (because by this point I already had my first tattoo on my arm and wore it around proudly thinking I was a badass), I tell the guy to deal with it. Then there’s another plot twist; he tells me that he doesn’t mind and goes on to ask my bra size. When I tell him it’s none of his business, he goes on to apologize, saying he’ll leave me alone. Before he goes though, he takes it upon himself that he is into me but if his friends knew, they’d think he was gross for liking me.

White hot rage; that’s the only thing I can think of to describe it. I just did not want to live on this planet anymore. But what could I do? It was senior year, we would be parting ways soon and it wouldn’t matter anymore. So I just told him off in my typical Heathen fashion and left it at that. Or so I thought.

Fast forward, it’s time for my first year of college. I stayed local, and to my unlucky demise, so did he. We ended up at the same college, and at the same introductory tour. I steered clear but because I’m the type of person who never changes their phone number, I get a text message from him again. Of course, I had deleted this contact so I had no idea who was texting me and responding with a predictable “Who is this?” to his “Hello.”

He told me then asked how I had been since graduating and that he wanted to ask me a question. I was polite, told him I had been fine, and just because I’m such a curious person that even though thoughtlessness in the human race annoys me to no end, I still found myself asking exactly what he wanted just to see how far he was going to put his foot in his mouth this time.

Low and behold: The Virginity Conquest. Mr. “I Missed the Notes” is still a virgin and doesn’t want to go to college a virgin. This is apparently a horrific American stigma amongst men today. It’s beyond sad that people believe that if you haven’t lost it by the time you start college something must surely be wrong with you. Anyway, his proposal was to lose it to me before college. Naturally, I’m not okay with this because well, I’m still a virgin myself, and I didn’t intend on losing it anytime soon; especially not that way. I gave him a firm “Hell no” then tried to play “therapist.” I asked why didn’t he want to wait and lose it to someone who he really liked and cared about. He insisted it would be easier to lose it to someone he wasn’t as involved with like that because it would make him less nervous.

Do you see why I have such little faith in the human race?

Any guy reading this, let me pause here. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not hating on your gender. I’m simply stating that I don’t understand the majority of your gender. This is probably due to the fact that because I’m so young, 9 times out of 10, I’m dealing with a “boy” and not a “man.”

That being said, some women are just as guilty of being shallow, careless, thoughtless, etc. I’ve known females who would date one guy, get upset that he wasn’t giving her so much attention, then instead of complaining to him about it, they would just go ahead and find someone else. Some of these were really good men too that couldn’t spend as much time with them because they were busy working or something and they just ended up doing them wrong. I’ve had female friends who have openly admitted to me that they use the guys they’re with for money while in the long run not really being all that into him. Others I’ve known have turned down perfectly respectable guys just because he didn’t live up to their expectations in the looks department or found some other small insignificant thing to use against them.

All in all, I have examples on both ends of the spectrum that are really going about all their interactions the wrong way. They think that what they’re doing is okay when to me, its not. I know I can’t speak for everybody but I hope at least some parts of the population agree with me when I say that its not supposed to be like this.

Its like society thinks they have this all down to some unnatural science. Fill out these questions on a dating site, we’ll match you up, and bam, you have your soul mate. Send someone a picture of a bunch of numbers corresponding to questions, tell them to pick whatever, and you give the answer. It’s become a formula of sorts and I can’t help but wish for the days when you learned these things organically about someone.

See I don’t think conversation should be forced. That being said, when you go to actually have a conversation with someone, it should be an actual conversation. One where you and whoever just get lost and caught up in it and lose track of time. A conversation that starts so effortlessly that by the time its over you already know the stuff that really matters. Like maybe the fact that they have an unnatural fear of water because of some traumatic childhood experience, or maybe that they lost someone when they were young and never got over it.

It could be any number of these things but what it is doesn’t matter. What matters is that you learned about the person without forcing yourself on the person. You put thought and effort and meaning to everything you discussed with them. You didn’t give one-word answers, you gave paragraphs. You told stories, you shared, you connected on a spiritual and emotional level. People don’t get that kind of connection from planned interactions and timed questions.

And the best part about these interactions? You do it without expecting anything in return.

You see, sometimes when you do manage to have an actual conversation with someone and you share your worries and problems, its like they expect something in return. I’m not saying it always happens, but I have had it happen to me and it just down right sucks.

Some guys or girls will spend so much time in others and feign so much interest while secretly wanting something. Maybe the girl wants money, maybe the guy wants sex, or maybe it’s the complete opposite and the roles are switched. Either way, they spend so much time and effort into it, only to be hinting and pushing towards ulterior motives. And the other person maybe tries to brush them off, or hint that they’re not ready or can’t do whatever the hell it is the other person wants. But how do these scenarios usually end? We see it on TV all the time. The guy tries to pressure the prom queen into giving up her virginity, the girl pressuring the guy into the cooperate job leaves him for someone with a bigger wallet.

And why is it they do this? Because they don’t know how to really wait for a good thing when they get it. That prom queen could have been the best wife for him ever, that guy could be a millionaire if she just gave him time. But because we live in a society that is so dead set on getting what they want right when they want it, and even though those people could have had a connection, they go ahead and move on anyway just because they don’t get that good things really do come to those who wait.

It’s like people don’t see people as people anymore. They can’t see past the wallets, the faces, the phones, the labels, the clothes. My cousin treats her iPhone 6 more like a human than she does me sometimes. It’s sad, but it’s a truth.

I’m not exactly sure how other people deal with it. Maybe they’re number than I am. The majority of the population is older than me anyway so maybe that’s why they can deal with it better. And truth be told, I’m not even sure what I hope to accomplish with this rant.

All I know is something isn’t totally right with the way we treat each other. My call to action here would be to treat people better, but that’s kind of a no brainer isn’t it? At least it should be.

At any rate, if you’re in the dating ring or if you’re just as disgusted by the type of human interaction I described as I am, then I think the best thing you can do is try to separate yourself from these type of people. If you know they’re going to put you down and in a foul mood, you’d probably just be better off avoiding them altogether.

If you get lucky, and you’re one of those rare people who can find another soul to stay up with you until dawn talking about anything and everything, then congratulations. You truly found a diamond amongst all the rocks in the world. I say that because, our bodies change as we grow old so if you fall in love with that, tough cookies, one day you’ll see wrinkles. But if you fall in love with someone’s brain and the way they think, that’s pure gold. If they have the kindred spirit of a child, or make you think like an old philosopher, if they just seem to have an endless thought process with some of the most outrageous and crazy, but down right brilliant ideas, then you’ve found a gem. It doesn’t matter if they have the same likes as you on a dating site, if you totally disagree on everything under the sun, or even if they seem completely crazy; if their thought process can make you think and inspire you in ways you never imagined. Then bingo guys, you found something very special.

Hearts and Semicolons

Hey guys so, I want to bring to your attention these 2 very cool projects that I keep seeing pop up on my news feed. They are The Heart Project and Project Semicolon. 

I think The Heart Project officially ends on the 16th and basically you just follow the rules on the photo there. If you or someone you love has ever suffered from the hearts mentioned above, then just draw them on your wrist. I think its a great way for all of us to show our support of these conditions and acknowledge them. I know I plan on participating and will upload a photo of my own hearts probably tomorrow. The issue I’m having right now is just finding pens around the house in those colors.

Project Semicolon essentially works the same way, its just that instead of drawing a heart on your wrist, you’re actually getting a tattoo. I’ve added a link if you want to know more about how the project got started. Its very heart wrenching and I really admire the courage of the founder. In essence, the project serves to encourage those who are bouncing back from depressing and suicide attempts and its basically saying “Hey I choose to live because my story isn’t over yet.” I can definitely relate to both of these projects so much, but I feel like this one speaks to me the most because you get a tattoo. I myself already have a nice variety of those and I’m most likely going to add one of these to my collection. My issue would just be location though because both of my wrists are already beautifully decorated.

For those of you opposed to how permanent tattoos are, I hope you at least decide to participate in The Heart Project to show your support. For those of you who decide to go out and get a tattoo for Project Semicolon, I would love to see yours. And as for everybody else, if you know of any great projects or movements you think I’d be interested in, then shoot me a message on Twitter or something telling me about them. I’ll try to have a new piece for you guys tomorrow. Thought you might like a chill day to see something of the “real world” so until tomorrow, and in the words of Jared Padalecki, Always Keep Fighting <3. Have a great night everybody!

A Moment of Thanks

Hey Heathens! 😀

So I want to take a moment to thank all of you who have followed me and helped encourage this blog so far. Its already about a month old and I’ve already had more likes and follows than I ever thought I would get. I’m just completely blown away and humbled beyond belief and I want to thank you all. And hopefully the story just keeps getting better from here because now I get to say that I’m officially published ^_^. I received this about an hour ago and I’m so excited about it:

Its a magazine thats connected to my school so I understand its probably not well known to you guys but I’m still happy about it and hopefully you guys will rush to get a copy when the issue comes out lol. Again thanks so much and stay amazing.

Help?

Hey guys, so I’m trying to make the blog more visually appealing. Sadly though I’m not that tech savvy and I’m having difficult. As you can see, I’ve changed the layout and its decent enough but I would like your thoughts on it. Should I keep it or change to the piano black one? I wanted to use it before but I didn’t know how to make the words appear white so you guys could see them =/. I’m basically just book smart but clueless with computers. Thanks for weighing in!

What The Falls Taught Me

Hey guys, so this is an edit of an older piece. Originally it was written Senior year, but I reread it today for quiet motivation in regards to this blog creation. It hasn’t exactly “taken off” but the numbers grow slowly and daily and I’m so thrilled to have the followers that I do have and I appreciate the fact that you like my stuff. It means so much to me. But enough of the mushy stuff. Let’s get to reading:

When it comes to the past, we can’t always remember, we’re only left with the memories that either surround us with warmth or haunt us with the cold. Either way it goes, the past is a part of us and makes us who we are, whether we remember all of it or not. We try our best to hold onto the good memories but sometimes it seems the bad ones prevail over them. There’s a reason for that though, it’s to show us what we’ve overcome so far and how we lived through that so now, we can live through whatever may be going on in our lives.

Mostly we hold on to bits and pieces, often times we go by what we see in either old photographs, worn out home movies, classic songs, or maybe occasionally the certain scent of something that takes us back to a better time and place. My aunt gave me my uncle’s old jacket a couple of years ago, one he used to wear before he died, and as soon as I put it on, it was like I could smell him right there with me and all those old memories of us came flooding back. It usually ends at the conclusion of my favorite memory with him the summer before he died when we took a drive to Whitewater Falls. When we took the trip, it was just something we did to celebrate his new truck; little did I know that truck would drive him into an early grave. However, looking back, I’ve discovered that it taught me a very valuable life lesson about getting somewhere and then leaving that place.

Today if I close my eyes and just sit for a while and think about that day, it’s almost like I can put myself back in his truck and I feel it trudging up the mountain and I can picture all those pine trees toppling overhead and I remember thinking how it seemed like with every inch we were getting closer to touching the sky. I guess when you’re seven years old, the sky literally is the limit. It probably took us an hour to get there but that’s another thing about being seven years old, you have no real concept of time so therefore, it’s always yours; it can’t be stolen. Nowadays, I find myself constantly looking at the clock, either wishing time would speed up or slow down. I didn’t wish that back then, I just lived for the moment, it wasn’t about where I was going, when I got there, or how, just that I was there and that was all that mattered. Back then, I didn’t need the answers to those questions, I just accepted things for what they were.

Eventually, we made it to the falls. We took photographs during the trip but I don’t need them to remember it all. I remembered where we parked, the log cabin we passed on the way up, even the way we had all dressed. My uncle was all decked out in his usual ensemble, red tank top, blue jean shorts, work boots, and a baseball cap. My aunt had on a black shirt, one of her old favorites, and a pair of shorts. My little cousin was decked all out in blue camouflage and he looked so adorable. I wore some regrettably out of style then and now pink overalls with a Pooh Bear shirt. In true mountain climbing fashion, I paired the overalls with a pair of black boots and just for the fun of it, I added a little back pack to seem more like my uncle’s favorite video game character Tomb Raider. That’s another thing about being a kid I guess; not only do you not care when or how you get there, but you also don’t care what you look like in the process. The only goal I had in wearing that get-up was looking like Laura Croft for my uncle and fortunately, I reached my goal because that morning when he picked me up and I got in the truck, he ruffled my hair and told me “Don’t you look cute” and looking back, that made the ridiculous outfit all worth it.

The first thing my cousin and I did when we got out of the car was walk to the wooden rail surrounded the parking lot; it was at a bluff in the middle of the falls so if you started there, you could either walk up to the top of the waterfall or walk down. We looked out at the vast mountain range and trees and that endless smoky blue sky and I just kept thinking to myself that before the day was over with, I was going to touch it. We probably stayed at that spot a good twenty minutes just taking pictures before we headed toward the trail. Once we did, that’s when our first bit of trouble seemed to start.

“We can either go up the waterfall or down. Which way?” My uncle’s words and to this day, they still ring in my ear; his voice always had this calm to it, like no matter what decision we made, everything was going to be okay in the end. In true kid fashion, my cousin and I begged to go up the mountain. We wanted to go to the top of the waterfall; we wanted to touch the sky. Sadly but not regrettably, we were vetoed by my aunt who insisted it was safer for us to go down to the bottom where we couldn’t slip there and plunge over thirty feet to our death.

So we marched. After all, you can’t argue with an authority figure and expect to win when you’re that age and besides, my cousin and I were chill kids; we just went with the flow. It was both mine and my cousin’s first hiking trip and going downhill actually made the whole concept of hiking seem really easy. It seemed like in no time at all we were at the base of the waterfall. Sure, the terrain got a little steep and slippery sometimes on the way down, but eventually we got a good enough feel of the ground beneath our feet that we could spot the difference between the safe and unstable places to step. We did mess up a few times though, I actually ended up falling, but we also learned how to use whatever was around us for support to lean on whenever it got to be too much.

Once at the bottom, I couldn’t help but want to thank my aunt for making us go down the mountain instead of up. True, I was a little farther away from the sky than I wanted to be, but I was surrounded by such magnificent scenery that I couldn’t bring myself to look up. Instead, I was looking all around, practically spinning in circles. I was surrounded on all sides by Mother Nature. Behind me, there was the trail we had come down, in front of me was the little river the waterfall turned into once it hit the bottom and even more woods, to the right the river kept going, never seeming to stop, and to the left was the giant waterfall rushing down on us. The fact that amazes me when I think about that moment is that nowadays, I know all kinds of crazy things can go wrong in situations like that. There are dangerous things in the woods sometimes, not just wild animals, but wild humans as well and over the years, I’ve heard so many horror stories about people getting hurt at waterfalls that it’s enough to make you want to stay away. But then, at that moment when I was seven and at the base of Whitewater Falls, I wasn’t scared about any of the things I know now, I was fearless and what’s even more surprising, I felt completely and utterly safe and at peace.

Our trip to the bottom wasn’t a long one though. Even though I felt completely safe, my cousin didn’t. No more than ten minutes after reaching the bottom, he saw what he thought was a little black snake under a rock in the water and immediately wanted to leave. I didn’t though, I begged my aunt and uncle to stay longer but my aunt got fearful about the snake too. My uncle also thought his son being afraid was funny and was encouraging his worries by telling him the snake was going to come after him. He was just joking of course but my cousin took it literally and actually started up the mountain without us and my aunt had to grab him. He wasn’t afraid of the snake getting him though so much as he was afraid of the snake getting all of us and he started rushing all of us to hurry up. My uncle took some more pictures and I put some rocks in my little back pack for keepsakes before we finally took back off up the mountain to please my cousin.

The trip going down the mountain had been beautiful because it had been easy. Everything had seemed bright and alive and it all had gone by so fast. The trip back up the mountain however was a completely different story. It not only took longer, but it was harder and less beautiful. I actually found myself hating the place all of a sudden. Those steep and slippery places from before were much harder to go up than to go down and this time, instead of using whatever was around me for support to lean on, I used it to hold onto, fearing if I let go, I would fall backwards and go rolling back down the hill. Plus this time, I had an extra burden to carry going uphill. Before, my little back pack had been filled with nothing but this time, it was filled with rocks and it made it feel like it weighed a ton. I asked my aunt and uncle if they would carry it for me but they wouldn’t, telling me that I had taken it down so I could take it back up, that it was my own cross to bear.

It seemed like eternity before we finally reached the truck and headed for home. I was so tired, weak, and worn from the hike up that I thought for sure I was going to pass out at any minute. Once we got to the point where the trail ended and we could head back to the parking lot, we all sat on a bench and rested for a minute and I remember sitting there thinking “Thank God it’s over.” Little did I know that what I would learn when I got older that it’s never really over, not even after you’re put in the ground is it ever really over because even after death, your memory lives on in other people.

The trip to Whitewater Falls taught me so many things. Of course, I didn’t realize that when I took the trip, it took a lot of growing up to realize what it taught me. I’ll start with the obvious which is the climb back up the mountain and no, I’m not taking this from Miley Cyrus and that old “Climb” song; I realized this long before her song ever came out. What I realized is that if you want to get out of the situation you’re in, you’re going to have to climb uphill to get to where you want to be. If you want something better out of life, it’s an uphill battle to get it because it’s your goal, something you’re desperately wanting and will do anything to get and because of that, it’s going to be hard work seeing how what we really want is never acquired that easily. That day at the falls, all I wanted on the way back up was to get to the truck and sit in it under the air conditioning. That was my main goal and it was hard work getting back up that mountain. It took every ounce of strength I had, literally blood, sweat, and tears because when I had fallen on the way down, I had cut my leg open and my muscles ached so much on the way back up that I really wanted to cry. I thought the climb back up was never going to end and many times, I doubted that I would even get there thinking I was just going to pass out and die but then I remember the truck waiting for us, its air conditioning promising to cool me off and for that, I kept going. The climb up the mountain was a physical climb but over the years, I’ve taken many different climbs. Some are now faded memories, some I’m struggling with now and from now until the day I die, I’ll be climbing some mountain.

I’ve taken many uphill climbs since then; some academically, some socially, financially, and even spiritually. There have been days over the years where I’ve felt that everything is all too much but then, I remember whatever my goal is at that given time and remind myself how much it means to me and I make myself keep going because I know once I reach the top, it’ll all be worth it. As I got older, I also realized something else that the falls taught me and that’s that it doesn’t take all that much to get to that point at the bottom of the mountain you have to climb up. It’s relatively easy, the first step is finding yourself naturally doing something on instinct thinking that maybe it’s a good idea or what you want. This is what brings us to the bottom of the mountains we have to climb. We just make some decision in life about what we want and then all of a sudden, we’re looking up at a mountain we have to climb. The decision of climbing down the side of the mountain had been easily made, but once I got there and found myself wanting to go back up, I was presented with an uphill battle in order to reach my goal. I’ve made simple decisions about something in life about what I want and its lead me to the bottom of mountains and in order to reach whatever I was seeking at the top, I’ve had to climb.

However, I’ve also realized something else that the falls taught me and that is that sometimes our actions bring us to the bottom of these mountains, not just our decisions. Whether the outcomes of our easily made actions are good or bad, they bring us to the bottom of the mountains we have to climb up as well. The action of going down the mountain at Whitewater Falls had been easy but once we got there and decided that we needed to get out of that situation, it was hard getting back up to where we’d been before and even when we got there, it wasn’t the same as it had been before. Different people where there, different cars, and some had left while others were just coming in. The scene had changed. Over the years, I’ve done many things that I thought were a good idea but actually ended up landing me in a giant hole that I’ve had to climb my way out of. No, it’s not that all of these things had bad consequences or anything of that nature, it’s just that I didn’t like where it landed me and I had to get out before things got too hard for me to handle. And once I reached the top of whatever mountain I had been forced to climb to get out of that situation, I desperately tried to go back to the way things used to be but I couldn’t because just like when we got back to the top of Whitewater Falls, the scenery had changed; it was all different.

I’ve went through this many times in my life where I’ve decided to do something and it’s lead me to some sort of situation that I’ve had to get out of and it’s part of being human. After all, we all make mistakes. And no, the actions I’ve taken haven’t been horrible ones or even brilliant ones; they’ve just been actions that have led me to the base of some mountain. For example, when I got my first bicycle, I did something perfectly simple, I went down a steep hill at my house, one that I had went down many times before, but one day, I went down it a little too fast and took a sharp curve and ended up falling off. A simple action, one I had performed many times, but this time it landed me with a broken arm. In this case, wearing the cast was the uphill battle. I had to wear that wretched thing for eight weeks during the hot summer and everyday it drove me crazy and all I could think about was how badly I wanted it off so I could get back to riding my bike. Eventually, the day came where it could be taken off and it was like I reached the top of the mountain but once I got to the top and found myself wanting to go jump back on my bike and head back down the mountain, I realized that I couldn’t do that the same day the cast was taken off because my arm wasn’t the same. It had grown extremely pale, was skinnier than my other arm, and was also very weak and I was going to have to go slowly with it, moving it just enough where it wouldn’t hurt but would also build back up its strength.

And that’s what happens when you reach the top of the mountains you are climbing, the view isn’t the same. You could reach one goal or do one thing and be at the top of a mountain, then you find yourself taking some other action or making some other decision and you’re at the bottom of another one again. You start the climb up that one and eventually, you reach the top of that mountain but the view from that one is different. In some cases, people are missing or you’ve changed or any number of things could be different from the way it was before. That’s one thing about life, the only thing that stays the same is the fact that everything changes. This fact I had heard before the trip to Whitewater Falls in Tracy Lawrence’s classic song Time Marches On, but I never fully got what it meant until I looked back at the Whitewater Falls trip years later and remembered how much had changed when we got back to the truck that day.

Anyway, back to the decisions we make and the climb we have to take with them. Right now, the same is taking place with my future; I’m at the bottom of a hill and I need to start climbing up. My goal is to become a writer. It’s a simple decision I’ve made, one I’ve been led to by years of being placed in accelerated language classes, being told by peers and teachers alike how good my writing is but it wasn’t just these factors. I’ll admit, at an elementary school age writing was the last thing I wanted to do and I found reading tedious but I soon discovered that I thought this way because I was looking in the wrong places. In elementary school, I was forced against my will to read at certain grade levels and take tests on whatever it was I read. This made me hate books. The longer they were, the more questions the tests seemed to contain so I avoided long books at all costs and because of this, I limited myself at all the great books that were out there waiting for me. It wasn’t until my aunt that went with me to Whitewater Falls corrected me of the error of my ways in fifth grade when we had to read a book and write a thorough book report that I suddenly realized that I was allowing myself to miss out on something magical. My aunt presented me with her personal copy of S.E. Hinton’s The Outsiders and within the first chapter, I was hooked. I became so enamored with the novel that in the end, she ended up letting me keep the copy for myself and wrote a note on the inside cover, telling me to watch a sunset once in a while. I’ve taken those words to heart, seeking refuge in a sunset whenever I find myself experiencing writer’s block and I’ve never judged a book by its cover, or thickness for that matter, since then either.

The decision to become a writer has been a simply made one, my love of it growing since reading that fateful book. It’s something I want to do and I’ve got my eye set on now and this decision has brought me to the base of the mountain and at the present state, I’m looking up, deciding where I should place my foot first to get to the top, another thing that the falls trip taught me which is going up or down a mountain, you have to be careful where you place your foot. You may think one part of the ground is safe when it may actually be unstable and make you fall so it’s always best to weigh all your options before making a certain decision to reach your goal. I need to make decisions that will help me work toward my goal.

Now I’m at a point where more decisions need to be made to help get me up the top of the mountain. I need to not only decide what type of writer I want to be, but where I want to go to work one day. I not only need to find out where I want to go to work, but also how I intend on starting there and where I see myself later on after acquiring so much experience. Also, not only do I need to figure out what type of writer do I want to be, but I need to figure out what I want to write about, what I want my target audience to be, and the like. All of these decisions must be made and I need to make sure they are the right ones so that I can reach the top of the mountain. The past may be the past, but the future is now and right now, I need to make some decisions and start making my way up the mountain because if I don’t, I’m going to stay where I’m at, something else I learned at the falls. If I hadn’t have started back up the mountain, I would have been stuck down there and in life, if we never take the effort to climb the mountain, we’ll never make it to the top; we’ll never reach our goals.

Whatever we do, whatever we decide, those decisions and actions are going to bring us to the bases of mountains that we’re going to have to go up and it’s going to be hard work getting to the top but in the end, it’s always worth it. This is what the trip to Whitewater Falls taught me, that life is really just a series of mountains. Once we overcome one, we head off in another direction and find ourselves at the base of another that we have to climb up. What’s more? Once we reach the top of these mountains, the view from them is never the same view from the one before it; it’s always different. Not only are some things either missing or added, but new realizations about life are made once we reach the top of those mountains and once we’re at the top, for those few brief minutes the sky literally is the limit. But as with everything in life, we can never just stay at the top of the mountains we climb, we must continue forward. That means descending down the one we find ourselves on and heading to the base of another so that we may be able to climb up it, reach the top along with our goals, and make new discoveries. And sure, sometimes some climbs are harder than others but that’s the beauty of it. The harder, longer climbs make you appreciate the top more once you get there. Plus, if all you ever do in life is climb the little hills, you’ll never get everything that you can out of life so it’s best to take those harder climbs because you get more out of them in the end. However, either way it goes, whether you climb the little hills or take the challenge of scaling the big mountains, what Whitewater Falls taught me is that you always need to be climbing otherwise, you’re just sitting at the base of all the mountains that surround you and you’re not going nowhere, and you can’t get somewhere in life by going nowhere.

If you dream a dream, go for it and give it all that you have and even if you fail, that’s better than just sitting and wondering “what if?” At least in your heart you’ll know that you tried and in life, that’s really all that matters, just as long as you try and do your best in order to reach the top of the mountain because that’s all that anybody can ever really ask of you. Besides, when climbing those mountains you’re never really alone, God or whatever you choose to believe in is right behind you every step of the way for you to either lean on, if you’re headed down the mountain, or hold onto, if you’re headed up.